I've been a little sad for the last couple of weeks. Not full blown depressed, just unhappy. Agitated. Irritable. Restless. Frustrated.
I know I'm supposed to be pooping rainbows now that I'm pregnant, but I'm not right now. Sorry. Please don't hate me because I really don't think I can help it. My body has been through a lot, not the least of which includes a solid year of artificially inflating my hormones followed by the actual hormones of pregnancy. My psyche has taken a battering too. It's a strange transition to go from infertile to pregnant and it's not as easy to put infertility behind as it looks. Occasionally I forget which side of the fence I'm supposed to be on.
Every day I'm grateful to be pregnant: please understand that. But my touchiness is getting out of hand. My secretary told me yesterday that she was going to bring me rice and beans and force feed me because I still don't look pregnant. Another secretary chimed in with suggestions to drink Ensure and eat more red meat and "not starve my baby." I closed the door to my office and cried for 20 minutes. It hurt so much to hear that criticism. I am really trying to gain weight and comments like that do not help. It also doesn't help that I'm still getting extremely sick once a week or so or that I had food poisoning for two weeks. I don't like being put on the defensive, yet here I am. Besides that, I am getting bigger. Just not big enough for the people in my office. Oops, there goes my defensiveness.
And, if I'm being really honest, sometimes I miss just being me. Not a tired, cranky, hormonal version of myself, but the real me. I miss roller coasters and bike rides and wine with my husband. And real sushi. And long runs. I feel very out of sorts and am having a hard time adjusting to pregnant Victoria. I know that as a pregnant infertile I'm not supposed to complain about such trivial matters. I know how ungrateful it sounds. Believe me, I never want to go back to another RE's office. That's why this will probably be our only biological child. I will never, ever forget how horrible that journey was.
I've never been very good with change, and this is a big one. I just wish I were making the transition more gracefully.