I've been a little sad for the last couple of weeks. Not full blown depressed, just unhappy. Agitated. Irritable. Restless. Frustrated.
I know I'm supposed to be pooping rainbows now that I'm pregnant, but I'm not right now. Sorry. Please don't hate me because I really don't think I can help it. My body has been through a lot, not the least of which includes a solid year of artificially inflating my hormones followed by the actual hormones of pregnancy. My psyche has taken a battering too. It's a strange transition to go from infertile to pregnant and it's not as easy to put infertility behind as it looks. Occasionally I forget which side of the fence I'm supposed to be on.
Every day I'm grateful to be pregnant: please understand that. But my touchiness is getting out of hand. My secretary told me yesterday that she was going to bring me rice and beans and force feed me because I still don't look pregnant. Another secretary chimed in with suggestions to drink Ensure and eat more red meat and "not starve my baby." I closed the door to my office and cried for 20 minutes. It hurt so much to hear that criticism. I am really trying to gain weight and comments like that do not help. It also doesn't help that I'm still getting extremely sick once a week or so or that I had food poisoning for two weeks. I don't like being put on the defensive, yet here I am. Besides that, I am getting bigger. Just not big enough for the people in my office. Oops, there goes my defensiveness.
And, if I'm being really honest, sometimes I miss just being me. Not a tired, cranky, hormonal version of myself, but the real me. I miss roller coasters and bike rides and wine with my husband. And real sushi. And long runs. I feel very out of sorts and am having a hard time adjusting to pregnant Victoria. I know that as a pregnant infertile I'm not supposed to complain about such trivial matters. I know how ungrateful it sounds. Believe me, I never want to go back to another RE's office. That's why this will probably be our only biological child. I will never, ever forget how horrible that journey was.
I've never been very good with change, and this is a big one. I just wish I were making the transition more gracefully.
Just because you've been infertile doesn't guarantee that pregnancy is going to be all stickers and cupcakes, you just gotta keep chugging on. Things will get better.
ReplyDeleteAlso people need to learn that just because you are housing another person in your body it doesn't mean that they are allowed to tell you how to live your life or comment on your body. I am sure you are trying your hardest and sometimes the body just knows what it needs.
I'm not sure I would have taken those work comments as gracefully as shutting the door to my office and crying. I would have had some choice words for them to mind their own business.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, you're doing great. You don't feel like you because you're grumpy and don't feel like yourself, but it's going to pass eventually. You just gotta wait it out and keep doing what you're doing. xxxooo
I honestly don't understand what it is about pregnancy that lets people think they can drop the filters -- or basic decency. Your coworkers suck.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of it, while I can't say I understand how you feel, because I've never had to go to the extreme lows and struggles you have, I certainly sympathize. One of the hardest parts for me to wrap my brain around is just how freaking LONG 40 weeks is. And while it's worth every moment (means to an end kind of thing) it doesn't mean that it's easy to turn our bodies over to someone else's needs for the better part of a year. I definitely find myself feeling cranky when I can't eat/drink/do what I would otherwise, and I sometimes wallow in the fact that while there are so many joys to being the pregnant one, there are lots of burdens, too.
I hope that by journaling some of that here and hopefully talking it out with people you can trust helps you be OK with not always being OK. I love you, friend.
People have no filter when it comes to giving advice to a pregnant women. Maybe they feel its their duty, but sometimes you just want them to keep their advice to themselves. Try to let it go in one ear and out the other, they are not walking in your shoes. You have every right to feel the way you do - my god - you are making another human being inside your body!!
ReplyDeleteHope you feel happier soon!
Oh man, even though I didn't have to deal with infertility, I feel like I can relate to this on so many levels. First of all, those ladies in your office are completely out of line. I bet they make comments because they're overweight and feeling guilty that you're looking fit while pregnant. Or they think they're giving you a compliment. Either way, it's always best to just never comment on someone's weight. I'm sure you and baby peanut are perfectly healthy.
ReplyDeleteAside from that the best advice I can give is to not judge your emotions. This is what my therapist is constantly telling me. It's okay that you don't feel like pooping rainbows. It's okay that you miss your old life. After everything you've been through how could you not want things to just be easy for a little while? And don't get me started on the hormones! They're no joke! You really can't control your emotions. So whatever you're feeling - its okay.
I'm finally transitioning from blog stalker to blog commenter!! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your feelings! You have earned every right to feel each and every emotion, good and bad! Just because you had to deal with infertility doesn't mean you have to put on a happy face 24/7! If you ask me, I think you are transitioning with incredible grace! :)
ReplyDeleteEveryone has an opinion, doesnt mean its the right one for you though!
ReplyDeleteSorry, couple days behind on my blog reading, and I'm hoping that this phase is already in the rear-view mirror (or at least on its way there). And I'm so glad that you are OWNING these feelings and not pretending they don't exist. That's the worst thing that any woman do to herself, and believe me -- there are so many more lows lows and out in orbit highs ahead of you. You are going to love your child with a fierceness that you never knew possible -- but that doesn't mean that you also won't want to not see their face or hear their whining for 5 minutes either. Hormones are a tricky thing. And your body is surging with them right now honey. But the best thing you can keep doing is ride them out, try not to bury those feelings (even if it's just letting yourself have a good cry -- sometimes that's the best remedy of all) and remember that the real Victoria is always still in there somewhere and she's pretty damn awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd those ladies can suck it.
Oh lady I completely understand. i feel the need all the time to qualify my feelings of pregnancy with but I am very grateful and then I also qualify with I understand only children now. Pregnancy is HARD!!! It is LONG! I wanted it BAD but was I prepared for all that came with it, no. It definitely has thrown me for a crazy loop How far along are you now? I found that I had a particular day like this about three weeks ago. Then I decided I needed to do things to feel like me, be like me. I ended up on a five mile slow run with my running buddy at our trail. It felt so normal so good. i started pushing mind over matter like my RB has been telling me and I have been refusing. It really helps. But it does not mean life has been all daisies. This week I am trying to focus on the positives and shift my thoughts - doing one thing pleasant for the day and thinking long term goals. You are totally not alone lady. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteTry not to listen to all those ladies, I know easier said than done. Many people are just jealous in the things they say, those ladies were probably really big during the pregnancy and that doesn't help the baby either. Take a deep breathe and focus on the positive. Try to avoid negative people who are rude on top of it.
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