Feb 27, 2012

Guest Post - My Brother Snarks The Oscars

If you're a big fan of political correctness and are easily offended, you might want to come back tomorrow.  You've been warned.  Oh, and just like a newspaper's editorial column, the opinions expressed by my brother do not necessarily reflect my views.  But I can't say I didn't laugh.

From my brother:

OK folks, here it is....Jonathan's 2012 Oscar recap.  We've got a lot to cover, and I am SUPER stressed, it's 1:01 am, and I'm a few drinks in - so put the kids to bed, take a quick pee break, and pour yourself a glass of Pinot...cause you're in for a journey.  By the way, I've recently discovered the Oxford comma, so take note.

First and foremost...you know you're getting old when you recognize fewer and fewer "celebrities" and find yourself Googling these so-call "Stars" all evening.  Who the hell is Jessica Chastain?


Moving on...Ryan Seacrest.  When Sacha Baron Cohen poured "Kim Jong Il's ashes" on him I seriously wet my pants...he started pouting like a 16-year old who was hoping for a Benz and only got a Civic, so I was in heaven.  


Next, Kelly Osbourne on the Fashion Police?  What makes her a fashion expert??  Purple hair, arm tattoos, and a dress from 1986?   Am I the only one who remembers that she curses like a sailor and liked Heroin?  Done and done.



On to the red carpet...
5 best dressed:
5.  Milla Jovovich...the embroidery, the shoulder detail, the hair, the posture...a Rita Hayworth for the 2010s.  And though toned and muscular, she still has curves and looks like a woman.



4.  Emma Stone...no one in Hollywood has a personality this amazing.  It may have been a recycled, newly-dyed Nicole Kidman gown - but she has the creamy skin, auburn hair, and humorous attitude to pull it off.  And my God was she HILARIOUS on stage with Ben Stiller?  I want her as a best friend.



3.  Michelle Williams...best color of the evening (coral), and only she could pull off that poufed waistline homegirl is  SKINNY).  She may have the body of a pre-pubescent boy (a la Justin Beiber - what a Lesbian), but with the Pixie hair and glowing smile, she always wins my heart.


2.  Meryl Streep...usually dressed like a hippie in last season's Anthropologie, this time she looked like an Oscar.  And probably has the best skin in LA...totally flawless and dressed to win.



1.  Gwenyth Paltrow (in Tom Ford)....structured silhouette, crisp white, detail on the shoulders, and a cape (because it was cold).  Perfect in every way...one of the few times a non-nominee steals the show - and didn't she do it well folks??


5 Worst Dressed:
5.  Oprah...  Even Gayle wouldn't escort her down the red carpet in this sad frock.  And don't get me started folks...if she wants to appeal to us common masses, take your channel off premium cable and stop forcing that gargoyle Dr. Oz down our throats.  Don't get me started on Rachel Ray, that little troll. (EVOO my fat ass.)



4.  J. Lo....once a Fly Girl, always a Fly Girl.  Tramp (sad, because I normally live for her).


3.  Melissa McCarthy...I can't, I won't, nuff said. Granted, she's hilarious...but I simply can't do peach chiffon and ruched boobies.  



2.  Angelina...button up folks, this one is gonna be BRUTAL.    She was working the slit like a call girl, and if it was any more obvious that she was trolling for a good time in the limo Brad would have come up on stage, slapped that thigh, and declared it "Property of I-used-to-be-hot-but-six-African-refugee-children-have-turned-me-into-this.  Remember "Thelma and Louise" and the scene with the hairdryer?  My how those abs (and pelvic floor) have dropped.  And it's humorous that he was nominated, considering I've scooped up gifts from my dog that have more acting talent than him (at least what Bella does is steaming, that way I know it's real.)  And her arms?  Sweet Jesus...that was frightening (on a serious note, eating disorders are something even I won't kid about.  She needs help, and those arms prove it.)



1.  Viola Davis...green dress, green earrings, AND green eyeshadow?  In this shade of Kermit the Frog?  NO ONE would have looked good in this get up.


OK, so onto the fun part...tearing down everyone else.  First things first...did you know the big gift in this year's presenters and nominees gift bags?  A 22-karat gold-plated Kitchen Aid mixer, studded in Swarovski crystals. (think I am making it up?  here ya go: http://articles.cnn.com/2012-02-23/entertainment/showbiz_oscars-gifting_1_oscar-nominees-oscar-bag-gift?_s=PM:SHOWBIZ


There are no words about how incensed I am about this.  A. these people don't cook (isn't that what Mr. Chow's and The Ivy are for?).  B. they are all vegan, and nothing vegan goes into a blender (or a small intestine for that matter, at least without prescription diuretics and patience).  C. see post about Angelina...it's not like they are making Paula Deen cakes (and hell yes Paula should do Dancing With The Stars...that foot will be lost to Diabetes within a year, so she might as well have fun with it for now).

Billy Crystal was good....not what he used to be (and the orchestra - with Pharrell Williams? - was way too loud).  But he was entertaining, though with all that rouge he looked like Pinocchio.

George Clooney's girlfriend looked confused the entire time...she probably though she was on that set of a real movie the entire time.  Hey, as long as she doesn't talk, looks pretty, and doesn't have a hard time eating a banana or corndog, she's in like Flint. (seriously folks...does she even know what month it is??)

Sandra Bullock?  $20,000 worth of Marchesa never looked so good...Screw the haters...this look totally grew on me as she started reciting German.

Natalie Portman?  The Polka dots were precious and totally her - and that necklace??  The best sparkler of the night.  LOVED it. (does any one know the values of that thing?)

Tina Fey?  Eh....I saw better at my senior prom.  And she's not even that funny.  Stick to writing sweetie, cause as an actress (not playing Sarah Palin) you kinda suck.

OK everyone...I think I have worn out my nasty, catty, bitchiness for today.  I tried to edit this commentary as best I could for Victoria's blog...let's see what makes the cut.

Oscar wishes to you all,
Jonathan

9 comments:

  1. Ahhhh, that just made my day. I enjoyed all the best and worst dressed items but you really hit your stride at the bottom, Justin. Now I'm outraged about the Kitchen Aid mixer too. That is OUTRAGEOUS!

    Well done, as always. Please don't make me wait until next year's awards season for more Justin. Please tell me you'll do something like the Bachelor finale or something! I need my snark fix!

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  2. oh jonathan, I miss you! :):)  we need to get together for lunch,or drinks, or something!  and start a twitter already.  agree on the insanely skinny.  over angelina, guilanna, and some insanely skinny girl from bridesmaids.  those were the ones i noticed the most.  they need donuts-STAT.  i also thought sandra has had too much work done-she now has michael jackson’s nose.  her nostrils are cut like voldemorts.  just sayin…. :):) jlo’s boobs.  there are no words.  trash.  

    loved this post.  victoria-thanks for sharing!

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  3. MomentsthatmakealifeFebruary 27, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    I didn't get a chance to watch it last night but have it on the DVR.  Don't think I need to see it now as you have listed all the highlights and low ones too.  Very funny!

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  4. I adore so much about this post! :)  I loved Gywneth's dress and cap, but hated her hair.  I thought Kristen Wiig's was skinny, but looked gorgeous.  I loathe everything Angelina and am right there with you.  How funny that you mentioned Billy's rouge... I noticed too and think your commentary is spot on!  I have to disagree on Tina Fey.  She usually makes horrible dress choices and I think she did quite well last night.  I thought she looked classic.  Much of your favorites were also my favorites.  Come play in Orlando soon!!

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  5. Ha ha ha! My favorite part is the ruched boobies...classic. 

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  6. Oh my goodness!! I loved this. I agree that the oscars is just a lot of silly pomp and circumstance and am glad to know there are others out there. Good fun!

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